Black Gazette: how being apart of the band has saved me

First off I have to start with Raam, my brother, lover, best friend, soul mate and band mate. I met him in a very interesting period of my life when I was back and forth between LA and NYC. When I first met him it was at a kick back and we spoke for a very brief moment but I remember being super curious about him. He ended up going to sleep during the gathering only to wake up at 5 AM and wanna do it all over again. I found that shit hilarious considering he had work in 2 hours.

As I've gotten to know Raam, I feel more and more blessed that my curiosity stuck with me. I made a post about wanting to start a band or to join and Raam had messaged me and we continued to talk about me singing for Black Gazette. I was super unsure for many reasons. One of them being that I was debating on leaving New York and going back to LA. Unfortunately I chose to go back to LA. I believe in my heart of hearts, there was more that I had to learn and that's why it wasn't the right time. In the back of my mind I knew I was always going to come back to New York and join Black Gazette it was just a matter of time. Little did I know joining would save my life, obliterate my stage fright and fear of singing in front of people. (still get nervous)

Black Gazette isn't here to cater to your wants or to even be relevant amongst what is considered likable within any scene. The process of creating together is so effortless and truly one of my favorite places to be where I feel safe to sing about my pain and experiences yet be quirky and try new things. We know when we have something and when we don't. I'll say the boys are fucking talented. I've only been apart of the band for 3-4months and we've already had shows and created over 7 songs that we are super proud of that sound completely different from one another. Which is my point when writing these songs. It feels so good to be understood by everyone in the band and for them to fully support the message within the lyricism. 

When I moved back from LA,  let's just say joining the band was a blessing that showed up on time. The first practice I was completely nervous and feeling underserving due to where my mental state was at. What made me follow through was knowing that I was actively partaking in healing, that my pain needed to be expressed and heard to hopefully save or help someone else. I had to transmute the feeling of surviving and suffering into something raw and evocative. 

Music has always been deeply apart of my life wether it be singing Cher on a portable karaoke machine when i was little, banging my head to biggie in the backseat of my moms car at a young age, being raised on post punk , new wave and hip hop, event coordination, festival work etc etc… ive always followed music. Ive always dreamt of being in a band as well, and feel so honored to be. 

I was super suicidal from a terrible relationship, working on myself as much as possible but couldn't shake the feeling of feeling like nothing. When i officially joined the band and performed for the first time i knew its one of my callings. Singing has always been something I've been good at but i let go of that part of myself for so long due to the fear of others, the fear of my lyricism not being cool or edgy or understood. I let that shit go for the sake of survival. All of that, that held me back is no longer able to.